Roots and Wings: Supporting Your Partner’s Growth While Honoring Your Own
In long-term relationships, it can be hard to balance two essential human needs: the need for connection (roots) and the need for autonomy and personal growth (wings). When one partner begins to grow, change, or heal, it can shift the balance and create both opportunities and challenges in the relationship.
This week’s blog explores how couples can support each other’s growth while maintaining emotional closeness—especially using the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) framework. For couples in our St. Charles, IL community and surrounding areas, understanding these dynamics can deepen love and prevent growing pains from turning into growing apart.
The Attachment Dance in Relationships
In EFT, we recognize that all couples engage in emotional dances—patterns of pursuing, withdrawing, protecting, and reaching. These dances often form around unmet attachment needs.
When one partner begins to grow—emotionally, spiritually, professionally—it may activate fears in the other partner:
Will I be left behind?
Will they still need me?
Am I enough?
These fears are normal. And if unspoken, they can lead to reactivity, criticism, or emotional distancing. When named and processed, they can lead to deeper connection.
Making Space for Two Journeys
Healthy relationships support the flourishing of both individuals. Here’s how couples can balance personal and relational growth:
Name your fears and hopes—Instead of hiding anxiety about your partner’s growth, share it vulnerably.
Celebrate differences—Growth doesn’t have to look the same for both partners. Stay curious about each other.
Stay connected—Even as you develop independently, maintain rituals of closeness: shared meals, date nights, or meaningful check-ins.
Seek support—Couples therapy can help identify where you get stuck and create new ways of supporting each other.
When Growth Feels Threatening
If one partner begins therapy, explores new passions, or starts setting boundaries, it can feel destabilizing to the other partner—especially if it shifts long-standing roles in the relationship.
For example:
A partner who always said yes now starts saying no
A partner who once relied heavily on reassurance becomes more self-assured
A partner begins grieving a past loss or trauma
These changes can feel like disconnection. But often, they’re invitations into deeper connection—if both partners are willing to explore what’s happening beneath the surface.
EFT in Couples Growth Work
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, I help partners:
Identify the cycle they get stuck in
Understand the unmet needs and fears behind each partner’s reactions
Create moments of vulnerable reconnection
Support each other’s healing journeys with love instead of fear
This process is not always easy, but it is profoundly rewarding. It allows couples to move from blame and defensiveness to understanding and closeness.
Local Therapy for Couples in St. Charles, IL
At Soothing Connections Counseling, I support couples in all stages—whether you're navigating new changes, repairing old hurts, or building stronger foundations.
Growth doesn’t have to mean growing apart. With the right support, it can mean growing together in ways you never imagined.
Next week: “When Growth Feels Scary: Working Through Emotional Blocks and Old Patterns” — how confronting emotional blocks and outdated patterns that no longer serve